


discover myself on the verge of a usual mistake

by black_telephone (orphan_account)



Series: Droplets of Blood [1]
Category: Dexter (TV), Dexter Series - All Media Types, Dexter Series - Jeff Lindsay
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Character Study, F/M, Incest, Morally Ambiguous Character, Pseudo-Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 22:26:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12921498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/black_telephone
Summary: That's my foul-mouthed foster sister, Debra. She has a big heart but won't let anyone see it. She's the only person in the world who loves me. I think that's nice. I don't have feelings about anything, but if I could have feelings at all, I'd have them for Deb.





	discover myself on the verge of a usual mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Do not own Dexter.  
> Repost from ff. net

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 _"That's my foul-mouthed foster sister, Debra. She has a big heart but won't let anyone see it. She's the only person in the world who loves me. I think that's nice. I don't have feelings about anything, but if I could have feelings at all, I'd have them for Deb._ "

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He tries. He tries to be normal. Or at least seem normal. He knows he never succeeds…

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Despite the lack of feeling (strongly, at least) for anybody or anything or even any event, if Dexter could feel anything, it would be a sense of failure… Which is – _strange_. Strange because he had succeeded at least till now.

No one had figured out his night-time hobbies. Yet. Not even those who have known him longest. Not even Deb. Yet… Yet, he feels he's losing more than succeeding. And it doesn't make sense. Dexter does not feel. Definitely not irrational feelings.

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He may not have feelings but he understands them – well, to a certain extent. He has read many psychology texts just so that he can simulate natural human emotions and reactions. Like any 'project' he takes on. Even in his life he is a very planned, methodical and detail-oriented guy. Sometimes, just sometimes, he wishes he wasn't so. Because maybe if he wasn't, he wouldn't have known and then maybe, just maybe it wouldn't have to be this way… . . He would say it is due to psychology and not empathy that he can understand his sister, Debra. Or maybe she was just obvious. But, he knows… He knows that beneath the tough exterior lies a person who continually wants to prove herself. Like somehow that would help her know who she is.

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_"My sister puts up a front so the world won't see how vulnerable she is; me, I put up a front so the world won't see how vulnerable I'm not."_

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When they were young, Harry spent most of his time with him (coaching him, teaching him, on how to do his night-time activities) and neglecting his biological daughter unless necessary. Of course, she wouldn't know that it wasn't favouritism. She wouldn't know that it was actually to protect her. She wouldn't know that it was to help Dex try and survive in a world alien to him. She wouldn't know. 

And so, all her life, she would try to prove herself worthy. Worthy of her father. Worthy of her father's time and affection. Worthy of a transfer to homicide. Worthy to be a detective. And all her life, she wouldn't be satisfied. Because she'll never know when she would make her dead father proud. Because she'll never feel utterly confident. That is her failure.

Unable to correct her, even when he wants to, is _his_ failure.

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_"Cell crystallisation."_

_"A little louder..."_

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This is the first time he feels successful and useful and helpful to her. He wasn't exactly normal. Not someone you could ask for help (unless your help required somebody kill someone and dismember them). But yet, she had asked and he had helped. In some way he could try to. One of his infamous 'hunches'. He feels helpful when he tells her about the ice-truck. It would be a good clue. And he feels a little bit of pride as he asks her to speak a little louder. He was coaching and guiding her! Was this what Harry felt as he helped him? Mentored him? Was he even capable of feeling pride?

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_"Jesus Dex! Are you boning her?"_

_"No, I-"_

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He feels a little discomfort. He had honestly expected this. As oblivious and inexperienced as he was in inter-personal relationships, even he knew that Lieutenant LaGuerta and Deb weren't the best of buddies. So, he had expected her to shot Deb down. Yet… Yet, he feels a slight discomfort… The slightest bit. Years later, he would wonder whether that was a protective streak? Was he capable of being a good brother? As of now, he just feels like an ass as Deb storms out of the room. Okay, maybe not. But still, he had lost that slightest feeling of accomplishment that he felt instead of the sense of failure just for the second he thought he had actually helped.

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_"It just seems odd. Your sister has this ice-truck theory and you back it up."_

_"She's good, lieutenant, you should give her a chance."_

_"You should call me Maria."_

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He may not be good at feelings but he knows that the hands on the forearm, the dazed gaze and the easy laugh are signs of flirting. Heavy flirting. He smiles and puts up with it. And even cracks a joke or two of his own. It has been his defense mechanism since forever. Nobody suspects the charming young guy. It has been ingrained into him. Harry made sure of that. It was a matter of survival. But he wasn't interested in sex or romantic relationships. Not really. So, he was never really going to say yes to LaGuerta. Not even to pretend to have a normal life. But he thinks that, suppose he had been a normal guy and suppose he had been interested in sexual relations, he wouldn't have ever dated LaGuerta. Not now anyway. Something about the way she never takes Deb seriously irritates him… in the most infinitesimally small way. But no matter how faint or slight it is, it does… irritate him.

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_"Is it okay if I fill out the report tomorrow?"_

_"Sure thing. You are tired."_

_"Good night Lieutenant. I'll catch you tomorrow."_

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He doesn't call her Maria, on purpose. He calls her 'Lieutenant' and for a fraction of a second, her easy smile crumbles, but then she recovers. He thinks that it was a logical choice to not lead her own as he really didn't want anything to do with her. Not to mention that she was his boss. He thinks that and is satisfied. But just on the days he is on edge, on the days where he hasn't killed anyone for weeks, on the days he feels he is more than just a very effective serial killer… On those days, he wonders whether it was him being protective.

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Dexter does not have feelings. But if he could have feelings for anything at all, he'd have them for Deb. Maybe... Maybe he already does.

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End file.
